The Words We Keep

prologue

I find my sister s hand beneath the waves.

I m scared. My voice is small, carried away by the water and so am I.

The ocean tugs me farther. We re too far.

But Alice reaches out to me.

Take my hand, she says. We re on an adventure.

And because I m six and she s my much wiser and braver eight-year-old sister, I believe her. I let her convince me we re deep-sea explorers, returning from an expedition. I let her lead me, even though salt water fills my mouth, my ears, my everything.

We fight against the waves, hand in hand.

And then I m on the sand. Dad s swearing. He s pounding on my back. He s yelling my name so loudly, it hurts my head.

Lily. Lily. Lily.

I m choking, spitting out the ocean.

Dad falls to his knees, and he s hugging us, so tight I almost pop, and we re huddled on the beach, and he s crying, and I think they re happy tears, but it s hard to tell.

It s okay, Dad, I say, my voice stronger on land. We were on an adventure! We were so brave!

This only makes him cry harder, and Alice is crying, too, which makes no sense because she s the bravest one of all.

Ten years later, I m by the shore again. Alone this time.

No deep-sea expedition. No adventure.

Just the crash of the waves and a stopwatch and the thud-thud-thud of my feet on the pavement.

A text from Alice lights up my phone: Lily. Where are you?

I don t answer. I m in the zone, pushing a little faster.

A little farther.

A little better.

Until my muscles are spent, and I turn toward home.

I find her on the bathroom floor. She reaches out to me, razor loosely in hand, words repeating on her lips:

I m sorry

I m sorry

I m sorry.

I stand, frozen, paralyzed by the sight of blood draining from her wrist, pooling on the tile.

Help me, she says.

In slow motion, I wipe her with a towel. Try to stop the blood. Find the source. But my shaking hands make it worse. Bright red on my skin.

Erin Stewart

Praise for The Words We Keep:

A SCHNEIDER FAMILY BOOK AWARD FOR TEENS WINNER!

"A sprawling, engrossing read, Stewart s latest succeeds in mapping out the toll of anxiety disorder with scrupulous, cleareyed detail. Above all, however, there s an overpowering sense of hope underlined by an achingly sincere message: Speak up and get help if needed. Indispensably candid." Kirkus, starred review

"An excellent choice." SLJ, starred review

In Lily s frank, forthcoming voice, Stewart mingles Lily s love of words blackout poetry, social media posts coining terms that should exist with specific descriptions of anxiety disorder related distress that will resonate with many readers. Publishers Weekly, starred review

Wild, beautiful, and free. The Words We Keep is a poetic page turner. A raw, relatable story of mental illness, romance, and the power of love. Jennifer Niven, #1 New York Times bestselling author of All the Bright Places

"A gorgeous and deeply touching rumination on the power of art, this book is for anyone who has lost their words and lost their way. The Words We Keep is a tender, heartfelt, and realistic look at mental illness, familial love, and finding your voice." Kathleen Glasgow, New York Times bestselling author of Girl in Pieces and You'd Be Home Now

"The Words We Keep is a luminous exploration into the restorative power of love and art. The only thing it contains more of than poetry is raw, unfiltered hope. This book is a healing balm to a wounded heart." Jeff Zentner, Morris Award winning author of In the Wild Light

Stewart offers a realistic portrait of Lily's lonely battle. Buffalo News